itisjustmyopinion

So, we have made it to 2009; Happy New Year to all; i know it is late, but couldn’t be helped..so better late than never.

i think that at this time, most of us are either reflecting on the past or looking forward to the future..i have been finding myself doing the former for more reasons than i can list here.  But i will tell you that reminiscing about the past, when times were so much more simpler and uncomplicated, has a positive impact on me.  Don’t misunderstand me..i don’t live in the past, because you don’t move forward if you are constantly looking back…

Reminiscing for me puts me in a much better place and mood for some reason.  I have been having a whole lot of flashbacks just being a member of Facebook and getting back in touch with those people who’s names i haven’t heard in 20 or so years, at least..I had a lot of good times and i lived life like there was no tomorrow.  i have always stated that i have had enough fun in my life..in fact, i have had enough fun for about 10 people..When one starts looking back on their life and experiences, i think one (hopefully) takes certain life lessons from those experiences to make their life now even better..

There are certain truths that we as humans cannot deny that we learn through time..For example, i know for a fact that when you are at your lowest point in life, you find out who your true friends really are. This truth i have only had to experience twice in my life.  The first time was when i moved back home when i was pregnant to have my child where my support system was, or at least where i thought it was at the time.  Nineteen of twenty friends of mine scattered like cockroaches when you turn on the lights when i informed them of my joyous news.  I could have had the plague, small pox, or even mad cow disease, and i don’t think they would have left me; but somehow pregnancy is different to them.  Have never figured that one out.  But then again, i am not the one who has to live with deserting a friend when they needed me, nor will i EVER have to live with that.  But what was worse, were the people who maliciously and falsely went around our very small town, talking crap about what they thought happened with my situation, when they, in truth, didn’t know a thing about what had happened..they did not know my son’s biological father, let alone, why i ended up back in Scottsbluff, pregnant and alone.  So to those of you, and you know who you are, i tell you this..karma is a bitch..and you will have to answer for the deeds you have done.  The ones that participated in this cruel activity were extremely immature in doing so.  I felt sorry for them, because they must have, and still do have, a very low self-esteem. They felt like they had to make me look bad in order for them to look good.  And this was being said by people i had known most of my life, and i never did anything to them to provoke them in anyway.  I just came back home to have a child and do what I felt was right for me and my life.  And in turn, was being crucified, for lack of a better word, in public, for what?  For their self-esteem to be boosted by saying things like “She tried to trap the father..too bad for her that she got stuck with a kid..ha ha ha” and was being called a “gold digger”…Hate to burst your bubble, but my son’s father had NOTHING to offer me as far as any material things; he didn’t have money; he didn’t have a house, he did have the clothes on his back and that is it..and if you wanna call that gold digging; than i need to buy you a dictionary and read the definition of a gold digger..It has certainly been proved that these are definitely activities that you yourself have participated in; but not me..i have never been materialistic or narcissistic, or self involved..like you…and i never will be, because through others who act this way, i have never seen the upside to this behavior.  i only see this coming back on you tenfold and kicking you in the butt; which, by the way, is exactly what you deserve.

This brings me to the second thing i know for a fact:  You reap what you sow.  You get out of life exactly what you put in.  And if the bed you are lying in is uncomfortable for you: First of all, you should have made it better, but secondly, you deserve what you get.  We all have to answer for our shortcomings. i am not saying that i am better than anyone else, because i am not.  But at least i have always tried to be better than i was yesterday.  And i do not go around talking crap about someone else who doesn’t deserve it.  Especially when i have known that person for 40 years of my life.  But some people change; most of them for the better..but the limited few i do know have gone down a path of narcissism and i feel sorry for them and i especially feel sorry for their children.  i pray that the kids will grow up to know better because they are not getting that lesson from you.  So Sad….

The third thing i know is true is that life is much more easy when your foundation is solid.  I also know that when you surround yourself with people who only want you to be the best “you” you can be (sounds like an Army commercial, sorry), life is less complicated.  Having a support system is critical in getting through life and what it throws at you when you least expect it.

I have had to stand by those who did things that were either things that i absolutely didn’t agree with or I have, and still am standing by those, (and i am talking strictly about past relationships here) who have broken my heart.  It is sometimes a very challenging thing to stand by friends who have made decisions in their life that go totally against my value system..but then again, i don’t have to answer for their actions; i only have my own to answer for.  And it was the right thing to do to support them in those decisions and i don’t regret it.  One was an incident that happened in the late 80’s to early 90’s…and the other happened last year.

The latter i will shed some light on for you.  In a nutshell, i met a man online 2 years ago this coming May.  We developed a very solid base for the relationship that came later.  He was here in Montana a year ago, to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s with my son and i.  and later i had made plans to meet him in Omaha, NE, in June, for 3 1/2 weeks to a month, so i could spend some much needed time with him to develop our long-distance relationship and go storm chasing for the first time in my life; i was really looking forward to that.  As life would have it, i didn’t make it to Omaha.  He had hit a run of bad luck; engine blew on his car, he wasn’t getting footage of the storms, and so in turn, was not getting any money; and he was having to pay for a rental for the remainder of his time there.  Even though i had saved enough to pay for my living expenses while there, he wasn’t making enough for his share; so the trip was canceled a week before i was to meet him.

There were a mirage of other things that happened to make things even worse for him, by his own actions and bad decisions.  So in July, he broke it off with me.  But the way he went about it was really odd, for lack of a better word.  I would refer to the conversation later, as having spoken to “crack (insert his name here)”.  The person that i spoke to that day was not even close to the person i had come to know pretty well.  With the knowledge of what my ‘deal breakers’ were, he presented 2 out of the 3 deal breakers that i have and will always have; he then asked where my loyalties stood..I still have not figured out why he presented it that way, because he had NO reason or inclination to be testing me in any way, shape or form.  I was nothing but truly faithful to him and only him during our relationship.

I could have never done anything to put our relationship in jeopardy, because i would have lost one of the most incredible human beings i had ever come to know. I can’t even count how many levels we connected on, because there were so many, and so many very important ones, that i would have rather torn out my own heart and put it before him, than to tell him that i lied or cheated on him on any level: and that is not even close to an exaggeration. it is the God’s honest truth.

But throughout the break-up, as hard as it was, and it was very, very hard ( i still cry every now and then); i was, what i can only explain to you as being commissioned by the Holy Spirit to stay by his side and not to leave.  No there was no Fatal Attraction theme at all to this..it was a mission i was given, and i believe with all my heart that the Holy Spirit was telling me that this man still needed me; needed me to be a support, to be a friend, to be a soft place to fall if that is what he needed, to be a adviser, or whatever other role i was to fill for God on His behalf.

So we have stayed in contact.  He loves me like a Christian sister and i still love him with all i have; and when we do talk, on those rare occasions, i count myself blessed to still have him in my life.  Yes, i still have things to work through; still grieving the loss; the loss of the dreams that we had together, the loss of the life we would have had, the loss of a constant and completely compatible other half; It is what it is, and i am not sorry for God bringing us together.

Another, but certainly not the least, truth i know, is that there is a grand plan being carried out here. There are plans for us, as individuals, and us as a united body of humans.  Nothing happens by coincidence. Far too many things have happened with me, personally, that if you had to figure the odds of the situation coming together the way it did, just by chance, there is not a big enough number to calculate the odds of these things happening by coincidence.  It has always been Divine Intervention.  I am not telling you what you should or shouldn’t believe; i am just expressing what I believe to be true for me.

There is that saying that God puts people on our path for reasons.  Sometimes He puts us in on other people’s path, and sometime he puts others on ours..  But it is always for a very good reason.  And if you can recognize that, then you will truly be blessed tenfold throughout your life..

Sorry for this blog not being as fluent as it could have been.  i wanted to purge certain things out.  i hope it all kind of makes sense to someone out there.  Sometimes my thoughts don’t flow in a straight line, and i don’t write rough drafts for these; i just start typing; and what comes out, is on the page..

I wish all of you very good things for this coming year..and i hope to have some interesting things to write about in the future; but we all have to wait for that to happen; and when it does happen, you will be the first to hear about it;

but that is just my opinion..

God Bless you and keep you safe throughout the year and through your many travels; may He keep you strong through the trials that may come your way; and may He keep you aware and able to recognize those things that come your way, those things that you would be very sad to lose, if you had not had the chance to experience them.  Take care.  Make 2009 a year to never forget

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